Goukou
was playing at draughts with his favourite when the chamberlain approached. The
king raised an eyebrow. From the too-composed expression of the man's face,
something untoward was afoot.
"Your
Majesty, the First Prince has arrived and waits now upon the
battlements--"
"What,
Kaiei is here?!"
"Yes,
lord. He sends the following message: Your unworthy son begs the King's
forgiveness for returning home without leave. He prays the King will put aside
his anger for the moment to grant him the favour of an interview.'"
"Of
course. Bring him here at once." Something is wrong- Kaishou? Shinran?-
and badly wrong, if Kaiei must speak of it to me in person. He gave his
favourite a nod. "Have them bring wine and some refreshment for the
Prince. Then you may go."
Shortly
thereafter Kaiei appeared. He looked as he ever did, but as he knelt and put
Goukou's hands to his forehead Goukou felt a premonition. There was something
amiss about that normal greeting- Kaiei clasped his hands a shade too tightly,
held on to them a moment too long. Goukou was suddenly certain that the
trouble, whatever it was, lay with Kaiei himself. He schooled his voice to
cover the uneasiness in his heart.
"Whatever
it is that brings you here, it is good to see you again. So what's the matter?"
He gestured for Kaiei to stand but the young man bent his head and stayed
kneeling.
"I
bear a letter from my uncle which... I think, will explain." He took it
from his breast and held it out to his father in both hands, not meeting his
eye.
So
it's Goushou, is it? Does he dare complain of my son when Kaiei has devoted
himself to putting Goushou's house in order for him, that he was too childish
to do himself? He broke the seal with a jerk and cast his eye down the
elegant writing:
"Goushou
of the Southern Ocean to his older brother Goukou the High King, greeting. I
kiss my ani-ue's hand and trust you and yours are in health.
Your
worthless brother has not thanks enough for your graciousness in sending your
heir to my poor ocean. Lord Kaiei has been kindness itself to my unfortunate
son in the suffering occasioned by the many changes in his life. He has
succeeded beyond my hope in returning him to that calmness and steadiness of
soul he possessed in earlier times. The relief this has afforded your poor
brother is no less great, and I shall always be deeply in your son's debt as
well as your own.
That
being so, I grieve all the more that your son has taken hurt within my house. I
will be frank with you, ani-ue: he has fallen in love."
Goukou found he'd been
holding his breath, and let it go of a sudden. Well, well, well. He was about
to smile, when he read the next words:
"Before
you smile at this, consider that one such asLord Kaiei may have
little experience of the state. What is worse, I would guess from the extreme
degree of his perturbation that the feeling goes beyond love and reaches to the
degree of a violent passion: and of such an emotion, I will say with
confidence, he has no experience at all. It must seem like a form of insanity
to him. I have reason to think, from certain actions of his, that he doubts his
ability to control his desire. I can only imagine the pain and confusion this
must cause one who possesses your son's steady and tranquil temperament.
You
have perhaps divined that there is more to the matter than an overwhelming
attraction. I did not ask him who it was had caught his heart, nor even whether
love was in fact the trouble. Both are plain enough to one with eyes to see,
and I think he would not willingly have answered even had I questioned him. For
the one he is enamoured of is entirely out of consideration as a companion for
him, and I believe the knowledge of that has brought him near to breaking
point.
When
he asked for a few days' leave to return to his home I was glad to say yes.
Your poor brother knows too well the need to run to your side when his soul is
in turmoil, and to take comfort from your wise presence. It is not wonderful
that your son should feel the same. Be kind to him, ani-ue. He suffers deeply
from his ill fortune, who for his virtue and kindness, to me alone, deserves to
be happier than other men."
Goukou
looked from the letter to his kneeling son.
"Kaiei,
stand up. There is no fault in you, and neither I nor my brother have any to
find."
Kaiei
got up. Now Goukou knew to look for it, he could see the strain in his son's
face, as if his soul was held on a leash.
"Come
sit next to me and take some wine." Mutely Kaiei obeyed, but sat looking
at his wine cup without attempting to drink.
"Goushou
is most grateful for the way you've helped your cousin," Goukou said, to
come at the matter roundabout.
Kaiei
only bent his head in acknowledgement. Roundabout be damned, then.
"Kaiei,
this hangdog silence is not like you, and it does you no credit. I will be
plain, then. Your uncle thinks you are in love. Is he right?"
"Yes---
No. No, he is mistaken. This is not love. It is something unnatural- a fever, a
disease."
"How
so?"
"I
am- I am like a man with the falling sickness. My will has no say over what my
body does. I am afraid of what I may do, for I am no longer master of
myself." He looked at the wine again. "Your pardon, chichi-ue- please
excuse me from drinking."
"As
you will. Tell me what you fear."
Kaiei
put the goblet on the table, face averted.
"It
is not a proper thing to speak of to one's father."
"You
are a man, and I am a man, and when there is need you may speak to me as freely
as you please. And there is need now, so I command you, both as your father and
your king, to tell me what is in your heart."
Kaiei
took a deep breath, then said in a low voice, "I think of nothing but him.
I *can* think of nothing but him. The image of him is always in my head, the
desire for him is always in my body, and I ache unceasingly from both. Ten
times an hour I turn to go to where he is, never remembering the reason why I
must not, and when I do remember it seems a trifle- nothing- compared to the
need I feel. In the end I had to order the guards not to let me leave my rooms
unless it was to answer my uncle's summons or to see my cousin, and to be sure
I went nowhere else in my... distraction of spirit." He put his face in his hands.His hands twisted on his lap.
"I have been too lucky up to now, indulged and favoured by fortune. If I
had ever known pain in my life I might have learned to be strong against it.
But as it is I find myself like a child who can only cry for someone to make my
pain stop."
"That
is not true. You have known pain enough from me in your life. I was never
tender of you, either for your own misdeeds or those of your brother, and
you've always borne it with a steadiness beyond your years."
"That's different. If I fail in my obedience or my
responsibilities, that is something I myself have done, and the pain that
follows is reasonable and just. But this time I have done nothing wrong, or so
it seems, and I suffer day and night. I think--" he dropped his voice-
"I think I am out of my mind."
Goukou
put his hand on Kaiei's. Kaiei's other hand gripped it with desperate strength.
"Father-
chichi-ue- What am I to do? I feel that I've gone mad. The dictates of virtue-
the duty of a guest- the feelings of my family- even, the wishes of the one I
love himself- they weigh as nothing with me. All that matters now is my desire,
and I fear I will do terrible things if no one stops me." He looked up
with such banked terror and misery in his face that Goukou was shaken to his
core. Unthinkingly he put his arm about Kaiei's shoulders and only then
realized how strange it was to do it. Even in Kaiei's childhood Goukou had
rarely caressed him, for Kaiei had never sought that kind of comfort. He
half-expected Kaiei to withdraw, but instead he moved closer. The pang that
caused him, of surprise and pain alike, gave him the words he needed.
"It's
a madness others have known before you. It only seems terrible to you because
your soul was never given to caprice ere now. You've always been master of
yourself, and you are master still. You came here, not to the bed of the one
you desire."
Kaiei
groaned. "That was the action of a weakling and a coward. A man would have
settled the matter alone, but all I could do was run to your side and beg you
to protect me from myself."
Goukou
stroked his back awkwardly. It felt like comforting the rock on which his
castle stood. "Do not say that, or you will be calling your father a
weakling and coward as well." Kaiei looked up, momentarily shocked out of
his misery. Good.
"The
night they brought your uncle Goujun's body home, as you must well remember, I
went away suddenly and didn't return for ten days. The reason was much the same
that brought you here. I knew that I was not master of my feelings, that in my
anger I might do somethingterrible past mending, and so I fled
to the company of the one man who would bring me back to myself."
"Surely
that was different, chichi-ue. Anger, even to madness, is not the same as
lust--"
"It
is no different. I speak as one who has experienced both in the way our
ancestors did. They are different weavings of the same wool, and both are part
of our heritage. You ask me what to do in your turmoil of soul. The best thing
would be what I did in the house of my Older: enact the Forms, from beginning
to end in order, to bring your body and soul under discipline and so into
harmony."
"I
will follow your counsel, chichi-ue, but if that exercise takes ten days, I may
not have the time."
"How
so?"
"My
cousin's situation still balances on a knife edge. His spirit has not wholly
recovered from the circumstances that afflicted him, and I have made it worse
by leaving him so suddenly, though I tried to explain that the fault was
mine..."
"Speak
to me of that. What was the trouble with Kaishou?"
Kaiei
explained and Goukou's face grew dark.
"I
see. But you're right: Kaishou has come to rely on you and you must not abandon
him. Too many people have done that already, and one more will be too much to
bear. Look you, Kaiei. You are here in your own home and any man you wish will
be your partner. Can you not work some of the fever from your blood in the next
day or so?"
Kaiei
looked down. "I had my favourite companion with me at the Southern Ocean,
but I could not even look at him when that other was in my mind."
"So
it often is when desire takes us. Then there's no help for it. We must fight
fire with fire. Kazan your second still supervises your brother's training. You
will take his company for tonight and direct him to perform Split Apricot and
Stripped Willowbark upon you; and for his assistant you may choose whoever it
will hurt you least to have beside you."
Kaiei's
voice was thin. "Yes, father."
"I
approved your choice of Kazan as second, for he is my chancellor's son and his
family has long known the secrets of ours. If it wounds your pride to lie below
him, so much the better. Let the suffering of your body and spirit be the
weapon that overwhelms the suffering of your heart, and maybe make you master
of it."
"Yes
father."
"You
have leave."
Kaiei
slipped to his knees and put Goukou's hands to his forehead.
"Thank
you, chichi-ue. You have comforted your worthless son more than he could have
hoped."
"I
wish I might believe that, Kaiei."
His
son looked up, and it was true there was a certain peace in his eyes. "My
soul was in darkness when I came here. I knew I deserved your anger but the
child in me wanted consolation for his pain. I couldn't say which I was more
afraid of receiving, your correction or your indulgence. But you have consoled
me with your justice, and for the first time in days I feel as if I were myself
again." Kaiei smiled almost in the old way and Goukou was taken by a wash
of tenderness. He stroked his son's sleek black hair.
"Who
is it? Who has taken you so far from yourself?" Kaiei looked away.
"And come to that, why is he so out of consideration as a
companion? Can his rank be greater than the First Prince's of the eastern
Ocean? And if he is so mean of birth, how came he to be in my brother's palace?
Come, Kaiei, tell me what keeps you from him."
"He
is not of my generation."
"Not
of-" Goukou was frozen. Anyone not of Kaiei's generation could not yet be
a man. "A boy?"
"No!"
Kaiei stared at him in shock.
"Then-
what?" What alternative was there?
"He
is of my uncle's generation."
"Oh."
He went weak in relief, and suddenly found himself smiling helplessly at the
absurdity of his thoughts. Kaiei caught his expression and began to smile too,
if a little shakily.
"Well,
but that is not necessarily an insurmountable problem. Rank can often make up
for lack of years, even between generations. Is there no other difficulty than
that?"
Kaiei's
smile disappeared. "There is. Chichi-ue, it is impossible- indecent. You
would understand if you knew who it was--"
"Then
tell me who it is."
Kaiei
swallowed hard. "My uncle's favourite."
"Which
one?" Goukou asked automatically before remembering what Kaiei at once
reminded him.
"He
has only the one; he is not a man for change.
"This
Pipang of Tsaomei'kang, then. The pale red dragon."
"Yes."
"Is
he as beautiful as that?"
Kaiei's
voice was rough. "Yes. I have never seen-- any man so beautiful. I
understand now why he keeps to his hill, and hides himself when he visits my
uncle's court, for no man could look on him and not desire him."
"Men
have looked on him and not desired him before this," Goukou reminded him.
"But
not men such as I." And there was no answer for that.