Satisfaction

Gojou stepped into the darkened apartment, maybe a little more quietly than usual. The 40-watter was still burning in the kitchen area, thoughtfully left on so he wouldn't have to stumble in the dark. Three am. Hakkai'd have gone to bed ages ago. A vague damp warmth breathed from the bathroom as he pushed the door open. Must have had a bath. Well hell- did have a bath, every night. One of Hakkai's little habits. Gojou took a leak, sighed, and washed his hands in the small basin. Hakkai got finicky about stuff like that, especially since they were sharing a bed, though why Hakkai would mind about the state of Gojou's hands was a mystery to Gojou.

He prised off his boots and socks- and yeah, Hakkai would say something about the smell of his feet in the morning if he didn't have a shower, but it was late and he didn't want a shower. He wanted to let the floating happiness from all that beer- eight hours' worth of it- carry him straight off to lalaland. He shucked his pants and went over to the bed in t-shirt and shorts. Hakkai had left him the outside half of the mattress, as ever. He was sound asleep and breathing softly, turned on his side with his back to Gojou. A tidy sleeper. No tossings, no outflung arms and legs. Compact. All Gojou could see was the shaggy brown hair and the back of Hakkai's neck, oddly bare above the round edge of the t-shirt. Gojou lay down, yawning, and turned in the same direction as Hakkai. Let the softness of the bed pull him down into somnolent happiness. Looked at Hakkai as his body went heavy and relaxed in the warmth under the covers. Funny. You never saw the back of people's necks usually. It looked- exposed. Vulnerable. Sort of young and tender. Sort of- the way a woman's neck looked sometimes, or the beginnings of her breasts, if she was the kind of woman who didn't normally show her breasts. That little peek into pink warmth, not meant to be seen. Gojou grinned. Funny. Imagine Hakkai like that. Young. Tender.

Gojou leaned over and put his mouth to the back of Hakkai's neck to see what it felt like. Moist, kind of, not just from the bath. Cause Hakkai's skin was really like that, maybe. Nice skin, the kind he liked, fresh and soft. Be nice to feel more of it, there under the t-shirt. His hand went beneath the covers, slid under the invisible cloth and found the muscles of Hakkai's back. Warm too, and the skin so smooth above the hardness.

"Mmhhh," Gojou said, and pushed nearer to that nice Hakkai heat. Bodies in bed were always so nice, like fires on a cold night sleeping out. Warmth, they meant, and safety, and not-alone-any-more and no-bad-dreams and something-for-my-cock too, except Hakkai was a guy so there wasn't that. But hey even guys had- well they had- Gojou's hand slid down, pulling Hakkai's shorts with it as he found the shallow swelling of Hakkai's butt. Not that he would, of course, but it felt soft and nice--

"Gojou," Hakkai's voice said, not asleep at all. "What are you doing?"

"Mnhh- nothing," Gojou said into the warm skin of Hakkai's neck.

"Gojou-" Hakkai tried to turn over but Gojou was there to hold him in place. Nice- nice and warm- and soft too-

"Gojou, you're drunk," Hakkai said.

"Unh-unh. Just happy. You could be too..." He squeezed Hakkai's buttcheek. Still moist from the bath- wonder if-- He pulled the blanket down with his foot so he could see. Oh yeah, nice white butt, wonder if he-- "It's OK, stop kicking," Gojou said. He pushed Hakkai over onto his face and leaned on him. Hakkai was strong but Gojou was stronger. "Just let me--" He pinned Hakkai's arms across the small of his back. Just wait. Hakkai'd see in a minute how nice it could be. He slid down and planted his mouth on Hakkai's ass, heard Hakkai's gasp, grinned a bit to himself. He nibbled at it, nice butt, not as soft as a woman's but nice. Bit a little harder, moving down the curve to where it met the top of Hakkai's leg. Just there, that was the spot most women started losing it at. Hakkai was no different. He drew sobbing breaths and the strength went out of his arms where Gojou's hands still held them. Gojou mouthed the spot and bit it gently and sucked at the skin, and heard Hakkai moaning into the mattress.

"Nice, huh?" Gojou said to him, and let Hakkai's arms go, cause right now he needed to use his fingers to get Hakkai's butt apart. That girl two years back, Whatsername with the green eyes, she'd done this to him and it'd sent him wild. Never thought he'd do it to someone else but hey, Hakkai, cleanest guy I ever met, he deserves to be happy poor ol' Hakkai after all the shit that's happened to him not that there'll be any shit in here clean Hakkai and his baths every night and the gas bill triple what it used to be- His tongue poked into the narrow space between Hakkai's cheeks, tasted bath water tastes, found the little puckery place and licked at it. Hakkai's hips heaved in response so that Gojou had to lean on them with all his weight. He wiggled the tip of his tongue inside a bit and-- Hey imagine Hakkai making a noise like that, a shrill going-out-of-my-mind noise like, like he was going out of his mind. Gojou grinned. Tease him tomorrow about that, make him blush, it'd be fun.

"Gojou," Hakkai was saying, "Gojou," voice all choked up and muffled. OK, guess this was when you got serious. His mouth moved down the narrow space and found Hakkai's balls. Now how'd she done it? You had to get them into your mouth first, right- bit of a stretch but you could do it- and then you kinda hummed in your throat and then you-- grabbed Hakkai with all your strength or he'd have had the two of you on the floor with his thrashing. Hakkai was saying aaanh aanh aaanh in a voice going higher and higher so that suddenly Gojou was aware that he was rock-hard too-- too? yeah cause Hakkai's hips were trying to go back and forth like he was humping someone oh shit-- Gojou let Hakkai slip out of his mouth, he couldn't stand this, Hakkai's funny high-pitched sounds, Hakkai's hot butt right next to his face, oh damn he was going to have to-- Never done it with a guy before but he had to-- Let go of Hakkai, scrambled himself upright, and even as Hakkai started to roll over saying 'Gojou--' grabbed his hips and pulled them up, heard Hakkai's alarmed 'Gojou!' as he grabbed himself and found the hole and shoved himself in and oh hey oh hey oh **hey** it was just so just so--- fast and hot and hard and so gooooood.....

He didn't wake till early afternoon. Hakkai was gone already, off to his part-time job. Gojou stretched luxuriously in the empty bed, grinning. Well well well. You learned something new every day. Imagine that- with Hakkai. And so good, with Hakkai. Might be the start of something new, there. Not as a regular thing, but once in a while he wouldn't mind doing that again. He rolled out of bed and off to the john. Take a leak- Oh jeez. No. Have a shower, get this-- stuff off his cock. He took a long long shower, washing strenuously. Well, maybe just once was enough for him. A little revolted still, he made himself coffee, toasted some bread, decided to pass on the eggs this time, and had an abbreviated 1 pm breakfast. The afternoon went the way the afternoons normally went- the paper, the TV, out to restock the beer supply and get the evening edition, back to wait for Hakkai and dinner before heading off to the bar. And got to thinking at last that maybe he wouldn't tease Hakkai about how turned on he'd been last night. Remembering some of the stuff he'd done himself there- putting a guy's balls in his mouth, licking his asshole, my god- of course it was different last night, being drunk and all, but here in the daytime Gojou's face burned at the memory. And if it was like that for Gojou, imagine how Hakkai must feel. Letting someone do all that to him and enjoying it. Pretty embarrassing for the both of them. Gojou squirmed a bit. Kind of felt he ought to apologize somehow, only-- Only that would remind Hakkai that Gojou knew what had happened. Maybe kinder not to mention it at all, let Hakkai think he'd been too drunk to remember. Oh well. He'd just have to play it by ear, when Hakkai got back.

Hakkai came in, a little later than usual, with his customary soft 'Tadaima'. Gojou looked up from the paper.

"O-kaeri." Hakkai was carrying shopping bags- groceries and some other stuff, a bag from the pharmacy. Stocking up on necessities, like he always did. He went over to the kitchen area.

"Is tonkatsu alright for you?" Hakkai said.

"Sure. Love it."

Hakkai started getting pots and pans out, and the chopping board as well. Gojou's shoulders relaxed, losing the little tension he hadn't even been aware of. Sensible Hakkai was going to let the sleeping dogs lie too. Nice to have done it once, but now it was over. He went back to the paper until dinner was ready.

Afterwards Gojou went off to the bathroom to shave- he never did it in the morning- and get ready for the evening. Decided to have another shower as well, just to be fresh for, well, anyone he might meet, cause he had a feeling tonight he'd get lucky with the ladies. He came out with a towel around him to get some clean clothes, and saw Hakkai kneeling over by the bureau. He was folding up a pair of jeans. Laundry- on a Tuesday? That wasn't Hakkai's schedule. As Gojou came over he laid the pants on top of some other clothes that were sitting on--- a large square of cotton. Gojou's eye registered the contents of Hakkai's small wardrobe in the pile. Two shirts, his other pair of jeans, socks-- Something cold drew its finger up Gojou's spine.

"'Scuse me," he said. "Can I get in here?"

"Oh, sorry," Hakkai said, shifting himself and the pile over. Gojou got himself some underwear and socks from his drawer and went over to the bed to dress. Hakkai disappeared into the bathroom. Gojou put on a t-shirt and heard Hakkai rummaging in the medicine cabinet. He came out with a handful of toiletries- his razor, toothbrush, comb, the shaving cream he used. Put them in a plastic bag from the kitchen as Gojou pulled on his pants, came back to the pile of clothes and added the plastic bag, a new tube of toothpaste, a new bar of soap... Gojou sat on the bed and pulled on his socks while Hakkai took the opposite corners of the cloth and tied them together, and then again- a neat small bundle.

"You're going?" Gojou said stonily.

Hakkai looked up, smiling. "Ahh, yes."

"Where?"

"Tonpuu said he'd let me stay at his place until I can get a room of my own."

"Tonpuu?! Tonpuu doesn't make enough from poker to cover his own bar bill. Where's he gonna get the money to put you up?!"

"He works, you know," Hakkai said mildly. "That's what he lives on. And I spoke to Jen ojisan today. He'll take me on three nights a week at the store, so I'll have that as well as my pay from the library. I won't have to impose on Tonpuu."

Gojou snorted. He couldn't think of anything to say to that. Hakkai pulled on his sweatshirt, the one Gojou'd given him way back when they first met. He picked up the bundle.

"I've stocked the refrigerator for a few days. You shouldn't have to buy anything before Friday."

"Thanks."

"Nagai aida o-sewa ni narimashita." He made a little bow. "Thank you for looking after me for so long."

"Don't mention it," Gojou said numbly. Hakkai turned to the door, just like he had over a year ago. But this time there was no knock from outside to stop him, no Sanzou appearing to make everything different. Hakkai had his hand on the knob. And the paralysis that had held Gojou up to now suddenly vanished. He jumped to his feet.

"Hakkai," he said. Hakkai turned. "Don't go."

"Sumimasen," Hakkai said, with a little smile. Exactly as Gojou had known he would. And opened the door. Gojou was across the room in two seconds, grabbing the knob from him and pulling it shut. He leaned his back against it, blocking Hakkai's path.

"Don't go," he said again. He met Hakkai's eyes. Hakkai wasn't smiling any more. Gojou's stomach turned over. It was like picking up an old rag off the ground and finding that it was alive, had scales and malevolent eyes and fangs. He'd never seen an expression like that on Hakkai before, a look cold and dark as anthracite. He killed a thousand youkai, a voice inside Gojou said. With his bare hands. Gojou's mind stumbled, flailing to get its balance.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Warii, ne? I was drunk."

"Indeed."

"I thought- I thought you wanted it." That was the wrong thing to say, he knew it even before he saw Hakkai's face settle into even harder lines than before, and it wasn't like he didn't know better cause he'd never say something that dumb to a woman but-- "Awright awright, I know that's stupid but- I thought you... liked it." His voice trailed off. Pathetic. He was only making it worse. He swallowed hard and squared his shoulders. "Hit me," he said, because it would be better than having Hakkai look at him like that. "Go ahead, hit me as hard and as much as you like. I won't stop you."

"No," Hakkai said.

"Hakkai-" The weirdest thing, he was scared- scared of Hakkai- Hakkai his roomie, his pal, Hakkai who'd stopped smiling and was looking at him now like a stone. Shit, he thought, let him go, cause- this isn't Hakkai any more- except this was Hakkai, this was Hakkai too, and-- even if Hakkai was like this he was still Gojou's pal Hakkai. "What is there- what is there, that- if I did it, it'd- you'd- you'd forgive me?"

Hakkai blinked fractionally. The dangerous little light hadn't disappeared from his eyes, but he was stopped for the moment.

"Sa," he said. He looked at Gojou a long moment. Looked over at the bed. Nodded to it. Over there.

Gojou thought he was going to throw up on the spot. No. Anything but that. He swallowed the bile in his throat, turned and walked on wooden legs over to the bed. His stomach churned with shock and terror. I'll tell him I can't, tell him- fuck, get on my knees and beg him, I'll-- Something turned over in his head. No, OK. People didn't die of this. Homos like Sanzou did it all the time and it didn't bother them. It'd hurt, sure, but he could take that. He reached the bed. Looked at Hakkai, still standing by the door. Hakkai's eyes went to Gojou's clothes. Defiantly, Gojou pulled his t-shirt over his head, undid his trousers and kicked them off, slid his jockeys down and threw them away. Stood up naked and stared unsmiling back at Hakkai. OK, Hakkai, come and take me. Sa Gojou isn't going to lose all his pride just from having a dick up his ass.

"Sit down," Hakkai said. Gojou blinked. "Or lie down, if you prefer." Warily, Gojou sat on the edge of the bed. Hakkai went and put his bundle on the kitchen table, then sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. "Now," he said. "You can begin."

"Begin?"

Hakkai looked at Gojou's groin. "Begin."

Every drop of blood in Gojou's body flew into his face and burned there. A good thing maybe, because it made him angry enough to forget anything else.

"You wanna show? Sure. Any time. Look carefully. You might pick up some pointers." He grabbed himself and pulled fiercely. Hakkai's expression didn't change. He was just sitting there and watching politely, as if this was some scene on the street. Gojou snarled, then took his mind off elsewhere. Riri at the bar- cute little tits, cute little behind- Riri naked sitting on Gojou's lap, all warm and squishy in her underpinnings OH yeah!- He shut his eyes to see better- Riri wriggling herself onto his cock and squeezing him hard hard hard like this, yeah- Gojou started to smile- sliding up and down all wet and slippery like this, yeah, yeah, and looking up into his eyes close-faced unsmiling a look like a knife--

Gojou gasped and opened his eyes. Hakkai was watching him from eight feet away, face still terrifying in its uninsistent blankness. He can't do anything, Gojou thought, battling the irrational wave of fear- he can't do anything to me, I don't have to do this just cause he tells me to. All he'll do is get up and walk out that door and never come back. He looked desperately into Hakkai's eyes. Hakkai, buddy, don't be like this. Hakkai sat on his chair with his hands folded on his lap and looked back at him. Looked at Gojou naked and needy, looked at Gojou begging him with his eyes to put a stop to this. His expression didn't change one iota. It was as if he was already gone.

Chilled, Gojou shrank into himself. OK. OK. That was how it was, that was how it was. And right now, whatever happened afterwards, he had to get himself through this somehow. Keep his side of the bargain even if he knew he'd never forgive Hakkai for making it. He closed his eyes again and thought Riri- Riri- soft skin around him, Riri sliding up and down him, and- and- a grey misery began stealing into his heart- Riri who liked him, who liked a good time, who liked screwing him, Riri who always smiled and laughed a lot- jerking off to memories of Riri was fine but this wasn't fine, it was all wrong-- Hakkai sitting there watching him thinking of Riri, using her for this, but- I'm sorry honey I gotta he thought to her desperately, and she'd say Hey it's OK lover boy, lemme help, I don't mind. Yeah, that's what she'd say, sweet Riri- and he stroked at himself harder, adding the little twist of the wrist that always sent him crazy, she'd help him out even if he felt totally dirty doing it- see Hakkai's mad at me for jumping him so I gotta do this but she wouldn't want to hear that- oh shit- Riri- he thought of her little tits with the nipples like buttons and the flesh shimmying and jiggling as she pumped up and down him and wriggled herself round him and it was going to happen cause the feeling was gathering in his groin all ready to go, if he could just keep the grey misery in his heart and his head from getting down there and stopping it. He palmed the head of his cock fast fast fast to make it happen soon, and it did happen, small explosion in his groin emptying him down there so the grey feeling could fill all of him up now with its sadness and nausea and dull anger and oh-shit feel.

"Here."

Gojou opened startled eyes. Hakkai was standing there holding out a wad of tissues. Gojou grabbed them from him, got them round his cock, cleaned off his hands. Hakkai had already turned away, going back to get his bundle off the kitchen table and bring it over to the chest of drawers. Gojou heaved himself off the bed and stalked over to the bathroom. He closed the door with a bang and threw the tissues viciously into the wastepaper basket. Then he put his forehead against the wall and stood there, feeling the hardness pressing back at him. Shower, he thought. Have a shower. Wash all this off of me. Go out to the bar. But Tonpuu'll be there, he'll be asking-- He stood up, running a hand across his face. Go to Ma Huang's maybe, new set of girls there, find one and stay over at her place tonight. Maybe for a few days. He turned to the shower. Maybe forever. His legs seemed to give and he sat down hard on the broad edge of the tub. Put his face in his hands. So I don't have to see his stinking face ever again. Fuck him- why the fuck'd I ever think I wanted him here, he's not worth it, not someone who'd do *that* to me-- Gojou sat up, red anger flushing out the greyness. I'll tell him to get out, take his stupid clothes and go stay with that asshole Tonpuu. Shit, this is *my* place not his-- And the stupid tissues had fallen out of the overflowing wastepaper basket. Shoulda flushed the stupid suckers down the toilet. He punched them back down, happy to have something to hit, only it was tough getting them in with all that other stuff in there- stuff in there? Gojou poked at it with a wary finger. All this white stuff, tissues, toilet paper, how come so much- he lifted one clump and saw the dark brown stains that had seeped through and made it stiff. Looked underneath. More there. A lot more. Sticking together, stiff with-- He threw them back in and then just sat, looking at the wastepaper basket, for what seemed the longest time.

There was a knock at the door.

"Gojou? Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Gojou said. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"You're not uhh reading, are you?"

"No, I'm not reading, for shit's sake. There's nothing to read in here."

"Oh."

Gojou reached over and flushed the toilet. Stood up and washed his hands. Opened the door. Hakkai was standing there, same Hakkai as always, looking concerned.

"You want in, it's yours," Gojou said, crossing the room.

"Ahh, no. I was just worried..."

Gojou was already pulling his clothes on. "Game of poker?"

"Uhh yes, thank you. That would be nice."

Gojou pulled the cards from the drawer in passing. Hakkai got two beer from the fridge. Gojou shuffled, made an arch of the cards between his hands, riffled them up and down like a yoyo- fancy cardsharp stuff. Dealt. Picked up his hand as Hakkai picked up his. Looked at his cards.

"Ne," he said to them. "Are you OK now?"

"OK?"

"Uhh- I mean- has it stopped?"

"Oh yes." Hakkai arranged his cards. "This morning."

"Mnh." Gojou discarded two. Picked up two. "Still wish you coulda hit me instead."

"Anh." Hakkai discarded one. "That would have left you your pride." Picked up one.

"Yeah." He looked at his cards and sighed. "Two pair." He dropped them on the table.

"Royal flush." Hakkai laid them down. They looked at each other.

"Not mad any more?" Gojou said.

"No," Hakkai said. "I never was."

"Umh." He swept the cards up and pushed them over. "Your deal."

MJJ

Jan 2002