Four Quarters

All Around the Circle

Hakkai came up on the jeep. He patted Hakuryuu's hood and heard a sleepy 'kyuu' from within the engine's workings.

"I'm sorry to have been so long," he said. "I hope you weren't worried." There was a reassuring 'Pii-ii' in answer. Hakkai climbed behind the steering wheel and lowered himself into the seat. Warm and soft, the way Hakuryuu's upholstery always was. Hakkai's hand unconsciously caressed the smooth steering wheel, but it wasn't Hakuryuu he was thinking of, really. His mind was slowly trying on a new thought for size and he didn't want to rush it.

Over, for him. That part of his life was over. He hadn't questioned the idea once in three and a half years. There'd been no-one before Kanan, because before Kanan everyone had been a stranger. There could be no-one after Kanan, simply because. What he'd done and what he'd become had unfitted him to live even as youkai live, let alone humans. The gods had condemned him to life, but in some corner of his mind Hakkai had believed that he wasn't likely to be cluttering the world with his existence for very long.

But that had changed as well. Gradually, somehow, unnoticed. Living with Gojou, travelling with Sanzou, watching Gokuu change too from the youngster he'd been to something older and more adult, and trying to help him on his way- somehow all that had made him different. He belonged in the world now. He'd made a tentative peace with his life- enough to feel a little regret sometimes at the still-familiar idea that that life must of necessity be short.

And so he'd come to this night, and this night's happenings, and the strange new idea he had now, that maybe there might be other nights like this one. That maybe it wasn't all over and impossible, as he'd always believed. Odd and a little frightening, that thought. And the even stranger idea that maybe some day when this journey was over and the world put right, maybe he might find himself living an ordinary life once again as an ordinary man. With love, and someone beside him, and maybe even... children. Children of his own, a miracle scarcely to be believed. An impossibility, surely, like growing wings and flying.

Hakkai looked at his hands on the steering wheel. "I don't deserve that," he said to Hakuryuu. "I don't dare..." and stopped the thought with difficulty. 'You don't need any chains dragging at your feet,' Sanzou had told him often enough. But this wasn't quite the same as before, the chains of his old thoughts. It was, more, the temptation and terror of hope. He could live without hope or desire. He had, for over three years. But to live with hope and the possibility of that hope's betrayal- that was what gave him pause. Detachment- Sanzou's forte- if he could only manage that... Not to desire, not to hope, merely to let what would happen happen. But detachment in the face of this new thing that Yaone-san had brought with her...? Yaone-san. He smiled without thinking. Yaone. So warm and soft and kind. He remembered their brief farewells just past, courteous and embarrassed on both sides as if they'd both been teenagers still. Her shyness and her dignity and the utter sweetness of her. He leaned on the steering wheel and smiled at the night, wishing her well.

"Anh- Hakkai?" Gokuu's voice came out of the dark. He trudged over to the jeep and climbed in the back. Hakkai turned to him with a smile.

"How are you doing? Did you find any youkai in your part of the woods?"

"Unh- No." Gokuu shifted sideways, away from Hakkai's sight. He seemed unusually subdued.

"Did you see Sanzou anywhere?"

"Oh. Uhh. Yeah."

"What happened? Is he angry?" Sanzou being angry was the only thing that could explain Gokuu's low spirits

"Oh- no. Not really. He said he was going off to get Gojou. We were supposed to meet here about now." Gokuu hunched over his knees, head down. Hakkai looked at him thoughtfully a moment, then shifted back to look out over the windscreen. He waited.

"Ne- Hakkai?" Gokuu said at last.

"Mh?"

"Unh- oh, nothing."

"Say it," Hakkai said gently, not turning around. "Whatever it is, it's better for sharing."

"You- Do you-- ohhh," he said despairingly. "I don't know how to say it."

Hakkai waited.

"Girls," Gokuu said after a minute. Talking to the ground by the sound of it. "Girls, you know? They're-- different."

"Mm-hmm."

"I know- I mean, I know they do funny things to Gojou, right? But- but other people- like Sanzou-- they don't- I mean, he doesn't--"

"Sanzou's a Sanzou," Hakkai said. "He's not an ordinary man."

"Mh." Silence. "But you don't..."

"I do, actually." Hakkai turned his head a trifle and smiled at him. "Like anybody else."

"Really?!" Gokuu looked stunned. "Then- look- uhhh--" He lost his use of language again. Perhaps patience would be more tactful, but it would also prolong Gokuu's suffering. Hakkai cut to the root of the trouble.

"Ririn?" he said.

Gokuu jumped and blushed crimson. "How'd you know?"

"I met Yaone-san myself, so it couldn't have been her you're thinking of. That leaves Ririn."

Gokuu grinned ruefully. "Yeah. Guess so."

"And so?" Hakkai prompted.

"Well, we-- Look, you won't tell Sanzou this?" Hakkai shook his head. "Or Gojou?" Hakkai shook his head again. Gokuu hesitated, unusually. "You promise you won't?"

"I promise."

Gokuu took a deep breath, eyes still unsure. "We were- we were playing janken. Only- if you lost- you had to take something off--"

Hakkai nodded. "Strip janken."

"Huh?!!"

"That's what it's called."

"You know about it??"

"Ahh, yes. Gojou told me. He got Sanzou to play it one night when they'd both been drinking. It was most enlightening."

"I don't remember that! Where was I when they were doing it??" Gokuu sounded outraged.

"Asleep. This was back in Chou-an, a good many years ago."

"Oh."

"And of course you won't mention to Sanzou that I told you?"

"Anh." Gokuu grinned widely in agreement. "He'd kill me before he killed you."

"Exactly." They exchanged smiles. Gokuu started again.

"Well, see, she- she got her top off- and that thing women wear underneath, you know?- and- I mean I know women have- uhh-"

"Breasts," Hakkai supplied.

"Yeah, but- but I'd never seen anyone's- and- You know what it's like?" Gokuu said desperately.

"Oh yes," Hakkai said. "Yes, I know what it's like." He smiled to himself. "You want to touch--"

"Yes," Gokuu said in relief. "And it makes you- feel funny- and--and--"

"Hard."

"Yeah. And--" Gokuu ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't like it," he said pathetically.

"Mn? Why not?"

"Cause- you know- it just happens. You don't get any say in it."

"Yes, but-- it must have been happening for a while by now?" Gokuu nodded, not looking at him. "And it feels good?"

"Yes but-- It's different, when I'm alone. This is- It's like- I'm not me any more. And-- what happens- when you actually do it? It's gotta be even worse." His eyes looked desperately at Hakkai's.

"Ahh." So that was it. "It's not the same," Hakkai told him. "It's not the same at all." He turned round completely to look straight at Gokuu. "It's true you lose control of yourself, a bit, and things come out that you ordinarily keep inside. But it's--" he indicated the cuffs in his ear. "It's the opposite of this. You don't want to harm anyone. You want to be closer to them- as close as your bodies will let you be..." He looked at Gokuu, at his huge staring eyes. "It's wonderful," Hakkai said. "It's the most wonderful feeling there is."

"Really?" Gokuu still sounded unhappy.

"Really."

"Is that why Gojou does it all the time?"

Hakkai smiled. "I suppose. It's his way of getting close to people."

"Hmmm." Gokuu digested this piece of information. "But- he's always doing it with women and then moving on the next day, and he can't do it with you but he's closer to you than anybody else. So how come--"

"Just a different kind of closeness, I guess," Hakkai said easily. Explaining Gojou's mindset to an impressionable teenager wasn't quite his notion of responsible guidance. "You're closer to Sanzou than anyone and you never even touch him."

"I am?" Gokuu looked shocked.

"Yes, I think so."

"I- But you're-- He depends on you for things--" Gokuu floundered.

"Some things. Easy things. Finding our way or covering him in a fight. There's other things he needs you for. Things he doesn't know he needs."

"Like what?"

Hakkai smiled. "That would be telling."

Gokuu gulped. "I--" and didn't finish. Because at that moment Sanzou and Gojou appeared out of the woods, both emanating silent fury. They strode over to the jeep, side by side but not together. Gojou climbed over the back and sat himself down ker-plump, glaring at Sanzou in a way that seemed to send sparks out of his red eyes. Sanzou opened his door, slid in ferociously, and banged it shut.

"Get moving," he said tightly. Hakkai obeyed. He cast an apprehensive glance at Sanzou's tense mouth and rigid shoulders as he drove swiftly back to their inn in the village. Sanzou-sama was in high choler, and silence was the only safe course. If only Gojou and Gokuu realized that...

Gojou at any rate was in too much of a snit to talk, which was a relief. And Gokuu was still wrapped up in his adolescent dilemma. Hakkai began to hope that they might get to bed without a storm. Hakkai, as he realized when they got to their sitting room, was an incurable optimist. Sanzou threw himself into the most comfortable armchair and snapped "Gokuu! Get me a beer!"

"Uhh- where do I--?"

"Anywhere you can find one, asshole! The kitchen. Whatever."

"Yeah but the kitchen's not--"

"Then get it from the machine outside, for god's sake. Use what passes for your head, fool."

"Lissen, Sanzou--"

Hakkai put a swift hand on Gokuu's shoulder to stop him. He pushed a handful of change at him and nodded to the door. Looking angry and unhappy, Gokuu went out. A charged silence followed. Gojou smoked with furious concentration, glowering at Sanzou. Sanzou smoked with controlled disgust, not looking at Gojou.

"Uhh- did you find any of those youkai we were looking for?" Hakkai began tentatively, to forestall the explosion that seemed to be building. Sanzou glanced over at him, eyes gleaming with what looked very like contempt.

"No." He bit the word off. "And you?" There was a subtle sneer in his voice. Hakkai went still.

"No," he said. Sanzou's mouth crooked sardonically at his answer. "Sanzou-- what's the matter?"

"Not a thing," Sanzou said heavily. The lavender eyes went on looking at him. Sanzou knew.

"Yaone-san, yes?" Hakkai asked quietly.

"Yes. And don't bother with your excuses--"

"I don't have any excuses," Hakkai said.

"No, you don't. Nor does he. Boars in rut, the pair of you-"

"Better than a cat in heat!" Gojou snapped. "And pissed because for once your tame cock doesn't feel like getting up for you!"

"Because it's been jerking off with its own brother," Sanzou snarled back. "Boars did I say? Rabbits. Can't tell who's your kin and don't care."

"Lissen, Sanzou! What I do and who I do it with is my own business! Who's the one keeps telling us 'Follow your own path and kill anyone who tries to stop you', huh?"

"Who's stopping you? What I'm saying is that you make me sick. Incestuous pervert. But if that's how you do it in your family, go ahead. Don't mind me." Gojou went white. His mouth opened to speak but the words seemed stuck in his throat. Sanzou smiled at him, hatred and fury making him look like one of the demons of hell. "Just keep yourself to yourself from now on, erogappa," he told him. "I've no use for the sort of animal that does with its own."

Gojou gasped. "That does it," he got out, voice thick. "Now I'm going to kill you." His scythe leaped into his hand. Hakkai moved swiftly to catch his arm, even as Sanzou replied, "That's my line," and aimed his gun straight at Gojou's head.

"Sanzou! Gojou! Stop this!" Hakkai said. Gojou pushed him aside.

"Out of my way!" He made to swing at Sanzou. Hakkai loosed a bolt of energy at him and the scythe clattered onto the floor. Gojou clutched at his numb arm.

"Hakkai--!"

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said. "But really, you mustn't--" It was no good. Gojou was looking at him wide-eyed and white-faced, as if Hakkai'd put a knife through his ribs. Then his expression set. He turned his back on both of them and threw himself into the chair in the corner.

Sanzou gave a small snort of satisfaction and put the gun back in his sleeve.

"Bed," he said to Hakkai. "It's getting late. I want to make an early start tomorrow." He started towards their room.

"Yes," Hakkai agreed, not moving.

Sanzou snorted again. "Don't be too long about it. You wake me up and I'll kill you."

"I won't wake you up," Hakkai said.

Sanzou turned his head sharply.

"You've no use for the sort of animal that does with its own," Hakkai reminded him, smiling pleasantly. "That's me." Sanzou's face froze momentarily.

"Just as you please," he said contemptuously, and disappeared into the bedroom. Hakkai sat down in the armchair where Sanzou had been. It was still warm from his body. Frowning, Hakkai calmed his breathing to soothe the ki energy that was roiling in his stomach. There was silence for a moment, then Gokuu's feet came clattering up the stairs.

"OK Sanzou here's- Uh?" He looked about him, a can in each hand.

"He's gone to bed," Hakkai said.

"Shit. Then why'd he send me out for this in the first place?"

"I'll take it," Gojou said, reaching for it.

"No way! These are--"

"Sanzou doesn't want it now," Hakkai said quickly. "Let Gojou have it."

Gokuu handed it over unwillingly. "Sanzou'll be mad if he thinks I didn't get them when he told me to," he protested.

"There's still the other one," Hakkai pointed out.

"Yeah--well. Ok. But you take it to him when you go to bed," Gokuu said, giving it to Hakkai. "Just to be safe." He gave Gojou a distrusting glance.

"I'm sleeping out here tonight," Hakkai told him.

"Huh?? How come?"
"Don't be stupid," Gojou said distantly from his corner, looking into his beer can. "You can share with me. 'F you don't mind it being a bit narrow."

"Ah. Thank you," Hakkai said.

"How come you're--" Gokuu began.

"Sanzou needs to be alone for a bit," Hakkai said. "And he wants to make an early start tomorrow. We should get to bed."

"Yeah-- OK," Gokuu said. His yellow eyes looked them both over. Hakkai prayed he wouldn't start asking questions, demanding to be told all. But Gokuu was either still upset by his own evening's experiences or had grown a little tact, because he turned to go without another word.

"I need a shower," Gojou said abruptly, getting up in his turn and putting the beer on the table. "Don't wait up for me."

"Mnh."

Hakkai and Gokuu went into the bedroom. Hakkai took off his shoes and socks and glasses, thinking that a shower would have been a good idea for himself too. He'd get up early tomorrow morning. Gokuu stripped down to t-shirt and shorts and climbed into bed.

"G'night, Hakkai," he said.

"Good night, Gokuu."

"Hakkai?"

"Mn?"

"Is Sanzou alright? He was angry..."

"Yes, of course. Something happened tonight to upset him, that's all. Let him sleep on it and he'll feel better in the morning."

"Anh."

"So will you," Hakkai said kindly.

"Yeah- I guess," Gokuu agreed. He turned on his side and closed his eyes, hiding in the darkness in his mind. Hakkai would maybe think he was asleep but of course he wasn't... really...

Hakkai sat down on the far side of the bed. A few minutes later Gojou walked in in undershirt and shorts, still a little wet from his hasty shower, with the beer can in hand. He threw his pants and vest over the straight chair by the door and went to sit on the other side of the bed, back to Hakkai.

"Nice for him," he said in ill-humour, looking over at Gokuu's body gone loose and relaxed under the bedclothes.

"He's young," Hakkai said, "and troubled. Sleep's the easiest cure for both of those."

"I should have his troubles," Gojou grumped, taking a swig of beer.

"Mh."

Gojou swallowed, grimaced, and held the can over his shoulder to Hakkai. "Don't really want this. Finish it?"

Hakkai took the can from him. Gojou sighed and stretched out on the bed, arms beneath his head.

Hakkai look down at the beer can. "I'm sorry," he said. "About back there."

"Don't mention it," Gojou said shortly.

"Aanhh." He shot Gojou a swift glance, then looked away. Gojou's mouth was angry, but there was more than anger in his eyes. Hakkai waited.

"Sanzou," Gojou said at last. "Sanzou had no call to talk like that. Fucking primadonna. He doesn't own me."

"No."

"I'll screw anyone I want to screw and he can keep his fucking mouth shut about it. He gets his share and more from me."

"Mmmh."

"Can't you turn off that damned light?"

Hakkai went to the wall switch and flipped it off. He lifted the blanket up and slid inside.

"Coming in?" he asked Gojou.

"Anh- yeah." Gojou got himself under the covers as well. "Tell you, Sanzou gives me any more grief and I'm leaving. I've had it with him, right to the back teeth."

"Mm-hmm."

"You don't have to be the way he is. Like, there's no reason why you can't be nice to people who do things for you. Sanzou ever said Please or Thanks or That was good, tell you I'd drop dead of shock. Nope- Get it up and get it in and do it now. Well hell, what does he think'll happen, he's going to be like that? At least Doku- he- fuck."

Gojou took a sudden breath and fell abruptly silent. Hakkai listened to Gojou's breathing. It was deep and ragged, as if there was something weighing on him that he wanted to sigh out of his body. Hakkai thought of nothing, removing any sense of his Self so that Gojou would have room enough for whatever it was that was bothering him. The silence went on. Gojou shifted onto his side away from Hakkai. Hakkai waited, wondering if Gojou was going to go to sleep instead.

"Jien," Gojou said in a low voice.

"Mnh?"

"Jien." Gojou gave a huge sigh, like he was letting out all the breath from his body at once. "He and Mom. They used to do it together."

Hakkai blinked. "Mn."

"I'd hear them from my room," Gojou said, talking to the dark. "She'd be-- panting and groaning. Like women do, you know?"

"Mn."

"I hated it. I didn't know why but I hated it. I didn't want them doing that. I didn't know why but I knew it wasn't right." He sighed again, angrily, like a man does to keep himself from crying. "Fucking Sanzou, he doesn't know shit about anything."

"Mn."

"It took me forever to realize. She was crazy. That was the only thing'd calm her down when she started losing it." He drew another deep breath. "She'd have gone for me years before if she hadn't had that. He was-- doing it to-- to-- Shit." Gojou's fist drove into the mattress.

"Maybe," Hakkai said quietly. "And maybe not. Is there ever just one reason for doing anything? He was doing it to protect you, maybe; and because he pitied her, maybe; and because he didn't want either of you to be hurt. Maybe."

"Mnn..."

"People do what they have to do," Hakkai said. "You're the one who told me, these things happen."

"Anhh." Gojou shifted onto his back. "And that's true too." He sighed again, but it came from him easier now. "Sometimes I feel-- I don't know what I feel."

"Mnh." Which wasn't much for comfort, but Gojou never liked being comforted.

There was a silence. After a bit Gojou's voice said tentatively, "Anou- Hakkai--"

"Mn?"

"I know it's none of my business..."

"Yaone-san?"

Gojou stirred a bit. "Mn. Was he saying what I thought he was saying?"

"Yes."

"Annh." Silence. Hakkai could feel Gojou's mind at work.

"She felt she owed me something and that was the only way she could pay it."

"Been a while for you, mh? I'm glad, f'r what it's worth."

"Ah. It's been a while," Hakkai agreed. "For a lot of things."

"Mh." Pause. "Any future in it, you can see?"

"I don't know... Future. It's an odd word to be using, somehow, the way things are now."

"Yeah." Gojou sounded gloomy.

"Oh now- there's no need to be depressed. Things will look better in the morning."

"Mh," unconvinced.

"It's just a little lovers' spat, after all."

"Hnh??" Gojou said, puzzled. Then he got it. "Oi, just a minute, you--!!" he sat up in outrage. "We're not lovers, OK? We screw together cause there's no-one else to screw with. And the minute I'm back in civilization with some decent looking women, I don't care if I never see his stinking sulky face again!"

"Hush," Hakkai said. "You'll wake Gokuu."

"Nothing wakes Gokuu," Gojou said, lying down again. "I share with him and I know."

Hakkai waited for Gojou's ire to subside. "I take it back then. You aren't lovers."

"Believe it," Gojou said angrily.

Because the bed was so narrow, Hakkai could feel what the trouble was. "Mmhh but- under the circumstances, maybe you should go and make it up with him? You'd feel better."

"Get serious. Me, go crawling back to Sanzou begging for a mercy fuck? After what he said? I'd rather die."

"Mercy fuck?" Hakkai asked, puzzled.

"This." Gojou twitched his pelvis. "'Oh puhleeese do it with me I'm dyyying.' Called a mercy fuck."

"Oh." Hakkai considered the new addition to his vocabulary. "I see. A very expressive term. But surely Sanzou wants umm a mercy fuck of his own? Judging by how put out he was..."

"Then he can beg me. Which will happen about the time Hell freezes over. Never mind, it won't kill me."

After a moment Hakkai said, "Would I do, maybe?"

He felt Gojou's little jump of surprise. Gojou's head swivelled over to look at Hakkai. The odd animal-shaped eyes were utterly stunned.

"You're kidding," he said after a minute.

"No."

"Uhh- you ever done anything with another guy?"

"No, but if you tell me what to do..."

"Unhh. Yeah. Yeah well, I wouldn't say no to a hand job if you're offering..."

"Hand job?"

"Jeez, Hakkai--" Gojou started to smile helplessly. "Don't you know anything? Using your hands, that's a hand job. Using your mouth, that's a blow job. OK?"

"Ah, I see. Hand job and blow job." He thought. "And using your anus? Is that umm an ass-job?"

"That's a fuck," Gojou said, suddenly wary, "and it hurts like hell."

"How do you know?" Hakkai asked with interest. "Experience?"

"No, but it stands to reason." Danger signals were sounding in Gojou's head. Hakkai had that look to him, the focussed thinking one that you didn't expect from the smiling easy-going person that Hakkai usually was. The one that was just a little bit scary, because when Hakkai looked like that there was no turning him from his purpose.

"This is just a- a theoretical discussion, right?" Gojou asked.

"I'm not-- so certain."

"Well, I am," Gojou told him definitely. "It hurts and it's dirty and-- and it's not something you do to your friends."

"Why not?"

"Cause- because. Just because. Some things aren't right."

"You do it to Sanzou."

"He's not-- Shit, Hakkai, stop confusing me." Hakkai was still watching him and thoughts Gojou didn't want to think about were moving behind his eyes. "I couldn't do it to you. Look, trust me. It's not something you want to do. You're a virgin--"

"No I'm not."

"You're a virgin with men and it hurts till you get used to it--" Hakkai's eyes hadn't moved. If Gojou was waiting for him to smile and give way, only too clearly it wasn't going to happen. "You've never done it," Gojou insisted. "You don't know what it's like."

"There's a lot of things I've never done," Hakkai said mildly, "that I won't know what they're like until I do."

Gojou sat up and put his head in his hands. "Remind me never to get on your bad side," he said. "Dunno what I'd do if you were actually working against me." He sighed. "You jealous? Is that it?"

"Jealous? Of who?"

"Me and Sanzou. Having this thing together."

"Oh. No. Not jealous. But-- it's a way of being close to someone. I'd just never thought I could do it too. And now I can't see why I shouldn't. Unless you really don't want me."

"It's not that I don't want you," Gojou said desperately. "I just- you're my friend."

"Yes?"

"I don't want to-- I mean, I don't want it to be me who's hurting you."

"But if that's the price of being close, why not?"

"Oh god, Hakkai-- Come here." Gojou gestured. "Turn around and let me put my arms around you."

"Why?" Hakkai asked, even as he sat up and moved to back up against Gojou.

"Cause."

Gojou's arms came around him, a little awkwardly,, and met across his chest. Hakkai leaned back against Gojou.

"That feels nice," he said.

"Mnnhh..."

"You could pretend I was Sanzou," Hakkai suggested. "Would that make it easier?"

"No." Flat monosyllable. "Turn me off completely."

"You could pretend I was Sanzou and- let my body know the things you'd let his know if-- if you weren't so angry at each other. Then I could tell him."

"You get the weirdest ideas, you know that?" Gojou put his forehead against the back of Hakkai's head and kept it there, unmoving.

"I like this," Hakkai said, consideringly. "I like feeling you at my back. I think it might be nice, feeling you inside me." He heard Gojou's little sigh. Strange to be held by someone bigger than you- strange to have their arms folded across you in front holding you motionless like this. Strange to think that the person doing it was his old friend Gojou. But marvellous too- as if he'd just discovered that by some magic the friendship and good-will between them could be given a physical form-- could translate into their two bodies joining. He wanted to tell Gojou that but Gojou would think it another of Hakkai's weird ideas.

"Gojou," he said, "I'd like a mercy fuck. Please."

Gojou gave a small groan into Hakkai's hair. "Hakkaaaiii... what'm I gonna do with you?"

"Sleep with me, why not?"

"Yeah, yeah, alright. I'll fu-- sleep with you."

Gojou's hands moved to Hakkai's waistband, unfastened his trousers and pulled them down. Hakkai lifted himself so Gojou could get them past his hips.

"You're real skinny," Gojou said. "Hadn't realized." His hands ran back upthe back of Hakkai's legs andlegs, over his buttocks. "No hips at all-- no ass to speak of."

"Is that a problem?"

"Nah. C'mon up. You'll have to bend over the bed. You mind?"

"No. Isn't that the usual position?" Hakkai stood up, kicking off his pants.

"Yeah. Just- you know."

"Mh?"

"Nothing." Gojou was rummaging in his kit and came up with a tube of cream. He pulled his shorts off and put a glob of the stuff around himself.

"Do you put it in me too?" Hakkai asked.

"Unh- yeah." Gojou looked perplexed.

"Should I do it myself?"

"No- no. I'll do it for you. Here-" Gojou gave his back a little pat and Hakkai bent forward, face to the mattress. Somehow his senses had become hyperaware as never before- of Gojou's presence beside him and the heat of Gojou's body and the high-charged electric smell of sex coming from Gojou's groin, must be.

"Relax," Gojou said. His fingers came between Hakkai's buttocks, one hand holding them apart, the other rubbing cool cream over the edges of the sensitive little opening. Something about that intimate touch made him feel joyful and dizzy at the same time. Gojou was looking at him there, touching him there, the hidden place no-one had ever looked at before. Only Gojou- this thing belonged only to Gojou... He slowed his breathing, to relax as Gojou had said to do. Then something slipped inside of him, easily and amazingly. Hakkai gasped, the rhythm of breaths cut abruptly short. That thing inside him- smallish but hard, Gojou's finger- twirled gently, a half circle this way and then that, touching nerves he hadn't known he possessed-- making the world rock dizzily in delight. Hakkai's eyes were huge, saucer-big it felt, Hakkai's mouth was open, shaping a soundless Oh- Oh- Oh--

"That OK?" Gojou asked.

"Oh- ohh--"

"Like it, hunh?" Gojou's finger slid in as far as it would go, wonderful, wonderful, as Hakkai's fingers clutched the sheets, but still somehow not enough- just a bit more, just a bit farther-

"Gojou--" he managed. "More--"

"Anh? Ahh, OK. You sure you're ready?"

"Yes," he said, which was almost all he could say. "Please--"

"Right you are. Take a deep breath, I'm coming in." Gojou's hot hand, pulling his buttock open, and then there he was, bigger, stretching Hakkai impossibly. Hakkai's mind gave a little flutter of panic and he soothed it at once, breathing deeply, thinking of soft gentle things that gave to the touch, cream clouds, whipped cream, smooth slippery flesh into darkness-- as Gojou's hard flesh moved undeniably into his own.

Gojou grunted, flush up against Hakkai's flanks. Hakkai's mind returned to find himself filled up completely. Amazing- no way of thinking about this- a feeling with no words attached to it, something that- a little more this way and it might turn into pain, a bit that way and it would be pleasure unbearable but as it was it was- it was- Gojou moved out of him, a long easy motion and his head went dizzy with it, and back again, straight and driving and almost- almost there- yes there- no, gone again- back out and in again- like dancing with a ghost of pleasure, all about him, there but ungraspable, every time almost there--

"Gojou," he groaned, "Gojou--" arching his back trying to get whatever it was and there, yes, this time, there it was, impossible wonderful sensation, right there, as Gojou picked up speed, stroke and gone, stroke and gone again-- Hakkai was almost ready to follow it but remembered in a back part of his brain that he mustn't, though the why of that was long since gone as well. He placed his ki as a barrier to that last dissolution, and because the final climax was denied to him, gave himself fully to the instant's experience. Rammed full filled up solidly by-- Gojou's body fully inside him amazing someone inside him burning and so good someone inside the inside he'd never thought he possessed who had always been inside someone else was now an inside-- himself--

Noise brought Gokuu awake. He peered under his eyelashes, and tensed. Groans, thrashing movement beside him. An attack-- Gojou fighting to pin something down on the bed. Gokuu started up, automatically reaching for his staff. And froze. Gojou was half-naked, leaning down on-- those were Hakkai's legs, that was Hakkai's green shirt he could just see. Gojou was fighting Hakkai? How come? But- Gojou was moving funny for someone in a fight, just his bare ass moving back and forth and the rest of him not... Very slowly, as if his mind were fighting the knowledge, Gokuu realized that Gojou and Hakkai were- somehow-- He lay down quickly, mind spinning. How? Two guys- there wasn't anywhere to- to- put it. Maybe-- if they rubbed between each other's legs? must be...

He half-closed his eyes and watched, fascinated and appalled, underneath his lashes. Gojou's butt going back-forth back-forth like that between Hakkai's legs, it couldn't be much fun for Hakkai, and maybe it wasn't cause Hakkai was moaning Gojou's name in a funny way-- 'Gojou-- Gojou--!' He could hear it under Gojou's anhs and unhs, and Gojou's back was arching up and he was making louder sounds 'Anhh ANNHH AANHHH.' And then he sort of fell forward, head going down and shoulders collapsing, holding on to Hakkai still.

"Hakkai," Gojou breathed. "Aww, man." He panted some more. "You ok?" He fell off to the side, sitting on the bed and panting. Gokuu saw Hakkai's body bent over the bed, ass up in this funny-looking way that made Gokuu want to giggle but also brought the blood burning into his face.

"Annh, yes. Thank you." Hakkai straightened up and ran a hand through his sweaty hair.

"I didn't hurt you?"

"Not to speak of. I think it must be unavoidable to some extent."

"Anh? Warii--" Gojou sounded stricken. "You bleeding?"

"It doesn't matter--"

"No, let me look." He took hold of Hakkai's butt and pulled the flat mounds apart to look at-- He must be looking at-- Gokuu finally realized what Gojou'd been doing. The room swam suddenly with the shock and went dark at the edges.

"Seems OK," Gojou was saying.

"It is. Really." Hakkai reached for his pants and pulled them up, then felt for something in the bed. Straightened up. "I'll pass the message on."

"You do that," Gojou said meaningly. "Me, I gotta wash."

"Ah. See you then." They disappeared out the door, leaving Gokuu paralyzed in the gloom. There. Gojou had put his-- he'd put it in there. And Hakkai had let him-- Hakkai did that, Hakkai let Gojou--

Gokuu turned desperately on his other side, back to Gojou's bed. I didn't want to know. I wish I'd never---

He felt weirdly like he was going to cry. Guys did it like that, ordinary guys? Like that? 'It's the most wonderful feeling there is,' Hakkai'd said and Hakkai didn't lie but he'd been talking about women hadn't he been or had he meant- him and Gojou...? 'Gojou's way of being close to people'-- Had they always done that, when they lived together? Were they the only ones? Did-- did Sanzou ever...? He flinched away from the thought but his mind gave him the picture in spite of his will Sanzou naked like he was in the bath I don't want to think this- Go away Sanzou's naked narrow butt going back-forth like Gojou's had No he doesn't he wouldn't do that Gokuu's face went red hot, he was burning up with shame and shock and this awful excitement because he was rock-hard between the legs, poking out of the fly of his shorts. He grabbed himself I don't want to do this I want-- do Sanzou and Hakkai do it when they share together--together, then who--? does Sanzou do what Gojou did--

He couldn't see it, not Sanzou, Sanzou was just too-- Sanzou putting it in there, he wouldn't, he'd lived with Sanzou for three years and Sanzou'd never... Gojou? Was that why Sanzou went off with Gojou all the time? Gokuu's stomach dropped in the hideousness of sudden certainty. Gojou did it to Sanzou like he'd done it to Hakkai, Sanzou bent over for Gojou no I don't want to-- bent over his bed for Gojou white ass up in the air groaning like Hakkai while Gojou's thing went in-out of him-- **Noooo** He grabbed at himself hard, jerking hard hard so it would hurt him for thinking that about Sanzou, Gojou putting his that inside Sanzou-

"Bakazaru! What the fuck're you doing?! Use some tissues, for shit's sake!" Gokuu turned to stone. "No-one wants to clean up your mess in the morning. Here." Gojou shoved a wad of tissue in front of him. Gokuu just stared at it, mouth open.

Let me die. Let me die *now*.

"Oi, monkey, what's your problem?"

Gokuu grabbed for the sheet, to get it up around himself.

"Fuck off!" he said, and his voice wobbled hideously. "Erogappa! Just- fucking- go away-" His voice gave out.

"Oi," Gojou said, but in a different tone. He sat down on Gokuu's bed. In terror Gokuu rolled to the far edge, legs drawn up in panic and ready to run.

"You were watching us? Me'n Hakkai?"

Gokuu swallowed hard.

"Warii. Thought you wouldn't wake up."

Gokuu's mouth moved. He couldn't speak.

"So?" Gojou said, still watching him with his youkai-shaped eyes. "We scared ya?"

"NO."

"Mh."

Gokuu's heart stopped hammering, finally. He stared at Gojou in utter misery.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, saru. You're not a kid any more."

"H-how can you?" Gokuu said. "How can you- do something like that?"

"Easy. It feels good."

"But- Hakkai- he's your friend."

"Yeah well-" Gojou gave a funny smile, "that's what I told him, when he asked me to. Only he wasn't buying it. You ever tried saying no to Hakkai, he gets an idea in his head?"

"You mean- Hakkai asked you to?"

"Unh-hunh."

"Why??"

Gojou shrugged. "He wanted to try it. Don't ask me why someone wants a cock up their butt. Couldn't pay me, but some guys do."

Gokuu turned over, not to have to look at Gojou.

"Sanzou?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level.

"Mnh-hnh."

"Oh."

"He's a monk," Gojou said neutrally. "They don't do it with women."

"Oh."

"Pretty little boys, that's their thing."

Gokuu rolled quickly back on his other side, staring at Gojou in shock. Gojou snickered.

"Relax. You don't qualify, monkey-face."

"Stop calling me monkey!!"

"OK- baaaka, then. No-one's gonna go screwing your butt. You're no way near tender enough for a baldhead's meal."

"Fuck off," he said automatically, and then, as the words registered, "You don't mean--"

"I mean if you hadn't been a loud-mouthed pain in the ass and you hadn't been Sanzou's, yeah, someone woulda put the moves on you back there at the temple. Probably."

"I'da killed them."

"Yup."

"Sanzou--" He stopped.

"Sanzou's a lazy bum, OK? Don't worry about him. Sanzou likes to lie back and enjoy himself and bitch when it's over. Sanzou--"

Gokuu reared up and thrust his face into Gojou's. "Don't talk about Sanzou like that! Or--"

Gojou leered. "Or what?"

"Nyoibou!!" The staff was in Gokuu's hands at once and he aimed it broadside at Gojou's throat. Gojou blocked it with both hands, laughing into Gokuu's furious face.

"I'll kill you," Gokuu raged, near tears with anger and all the other stuff inside him.

"Yeah, yeah. Calm down, monkey. I don't think the worse of you for taking old Droop-eyes' side." Gojou was looking at him across the staff with a quirk to his mouth- amused, a little rueful, not really trying to make him angry. Gokuu subsided. The staff folded up and winked out. He lay back down, curled up around the aching in his groin and the funny aching in his chest.

"Go away. I want to sleep."

"Yeah, you've had quite the evening, chimp. Here." Gojou stretched out behind him and reached over Gokuu's body. Gokuu jumped in panic.

"Whatcha doing!!??"

"Gonna lend you a hand. Get you to sleep."

"I can do it myself!" He tried to bat Gojou's arm away.

"A man shouldn't have to love his own hands if there's someone else's hands to do it for him. Relax, monkey. Let your big brother show you how it's done." Before Gokuu could say anything more, Gojou's hot hard hand was all around his cock and after that he hadn't any words left. If it was good alone sheeesh it was- he'd never realized- someone else's hand strong and clever grabbing him sliding along ohh anhh there and there and--

"ANNH! AGGhhh! AHH-AHH---"

Gojou's other hand clamped over his mouth. "Keep it down, bakame!!" Keep what down, AHHHHH AHHHH OHHHH OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!! OH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH----- Everything whirled together wonderfully and exploded and he dropped waaaayyyy down the cliffside into a pool of blackness and disappeared into its depths with only one stray bubble of thought making it to the surface afterwards--

Gojou called me a man....?

Gojou wadded up the tissues he'd been holding against Gokuu's cock and drop-shot them into the wastepaper basket across the room. He pulled the sheet out from under Gokuu and covered him up, not that the kid would stay like that for long. Looked down at Gokuu's unconscious body and wondered if he'd ever in his life been as young as Gokuu was now. Thought in a detached fashion that Gokuu wasn't as young as he used to be, and about time too. And turned to his own bed for a little shut-eye.

Hakkai crossed the dim sitting room, making for Sanzou's bedroom. Halfway there he stopped and put a hand to his buttock. He ached, warm and redly, deep inside, and for no reason he could think of the sensation gave him a feeling of joy, just as warm and red, burning like a woodfire somewhere in his heart. The mark Gojou had left on him and in him, a change once and for all. 'You're a virgin with men-' Well, not any more. He smiled helplessly, happily, in the middle of the room, remembering Yaone-san. The two of us both, my friend and dearest enemy, on the same night. Still the two of us, together.

The door opened almost noiselessly. Footsteps, heard only at the level under sense, entering the room. Sanzou, on his side facing the other way, didn't turn his head.

"So you're back."

"Yes." The faintest whisper of cloth as Hakkai undressed.

Sanzou looked at the darkness in front of his eyes. "Suman'."

"It's quite alright," Hakkai said courteously. So it wasn't alright. Sanzou waited to see what quiet knife-like comment Hakkai would slide into his ribs next. Silence. Hakkai came to the side of Sanzou's bed and lifted the cover politely off of him.

"Move over, please."

"Why?"

"I have a message for you from Gojou."

Indeed. Sanzou moved over in the bed and Hakkai lay down at his back. He was naked but for a t-shirt. A feather of surprise touched Sanzou's heart. Hakkai's hands took gentle hold of Sanzou's briefs and slid them down. Sanzou loosed a deep breath and closed his eyes momentarily. Alright. Whatever. You never knew you'd gone too far with Hakkai until he came requiring payment, and then the only thing to do was to pay. But that he'd ever have to pay Hakkai this way- that was something he'd never calculated on.

Smell of some kind of cream. Hakkai's fingers moved between Sanzou's cheeks and slid greasily inside him. Sanzou bit his tongue, knowing Hakkai would hear the disorder in his breathing as he at once grew hard. Well, so what? Pointless to pretend. Hakkai's finger- two fingers, now- moved in and out of his asshole, gentle but oddly dispassionate. Hakkai, naturally. What else would you expect? Sanzou grunted at the sensation, lying over on his face to give Hakkai more room to reach him. After a minute the fingers left. The warmth of Hakkai's body pressed closer. Sanzou drew a deep breath and bent his legs underneath him to raise his hips.

"Thank you," Hakkai said, unbearably polite. "Sumimasen. I'm afraid this may hurt."

"No matter,""No matter if it does," Sanzou said to the mattress. Stop apologizing, asshole, and get it in. But he didn't say it aloud, because the chances were excellent that Hakkai wasn't apologizing at all.

"Ahh. I see," and then Hakkai was pushing at his hole, pushing inside him, slowly and persistently until with a final 'Annh' he was all the way in. Sanzou waited, mind empty of either thought or expectation.

Hakkai moved out of him, carefully, and back in again. Out and in, steady and patient but not nearly hard enough. Not like Gojou's exuberant energy, a big dog bounding on top of you to tear you out of yourself in an explosion of motion and ecstasy and pain. No such release this time. Hakkai's delicate movement was going to leave him himself till it was done-- Genjou Sanzou lying on his face and having his ass fucked, and that was all.

"This is Gojou's message? Since when has he been so polite?"

"Not a direct quote, I'm afraid," Hakkai said, on an indrawn breath. "A paraphrase."

"Hmf. You could put more energy into it."

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said, not changing his tempo a whit. "Please be patient a little longer. You'll understand." Sanzou gritted his teeth and endured. When, as rarely happened, Hakkai the immovable object looked out from beneath the mask of Hakkai the easy accommodating good fellow, you gave in. Or you did if you had the sense God gave a gnat. Some day maybe he'd go the final round with Hakkai, assert his own will in the face of that unsmiling bedrock iron obduracy and see which of them was left standing at the end. But it would have to be over something that mattered, not a stupid triviality like this. He reached for his cock and jerked at himself hard, turning his mind from what was happening in back of him to concentrate on his own fierce rhythm. It was no different from jerking off alone, but hell- had he a choice?

The practised rubbing of his hand did it at last. He began to lose himself in his body's sensations. His consciousness was sinking down towards that dark intimate place it always went to during sex. And then he'd found it, the cold poisoned well at the bottom of his mind that was only allowed to exist at times like this. He reached into it for the secret thought that would make the explosion happen and push him over the cliff's edge into blackness. The small contemptuous voice that whispered to him from the dark, like youkai's claws sinking into his flesh: Kouryuu. Kouryuu the traitor. Kouryuu the weakling. Kouryuu the disciple who let his Master save *him.* Kouryuu the coward who sat paralyzed while his Master was hacked to pieces.

It wasn't working. The words were only words, stripped of power. Sanzou pulled at himself harder, over the line into pain, willing the voice to take his consciousness away as always before. Kouryuu, weakling, coward, murderer. Arrogant ignorant poseur. 'All the others are too weak' but you were the weakest of them all. Your master died because of *you*. It was no good. The charm wouldn't work this time. Somewhere someone was reciting a counterspell against it, something to blunt the cold black fierceness and break it up like smoke blown in the wind. A spell calm and settled and unturnable, a thin white ribbon binding his body and his soul, and he ought to be able to break it, it was so nondescript and ordinary, but he couldn't. It drew him back from the darkness and into his self, lying on his face on the sweaty inn mattress, a terrible aching need cramping his cock; and gently gently but oh so purposefully Hakkai was moving in and out of him still, as he'd been moving forever before and would continue to do forever from now on, a calm and happy movement wrapped about with kindness gentle as winter sunlight on empty fields gentle as the mild blue eyes and the happy smile of his Master turning from his watching of the pale blue skies to greet him 'Ah, Kouryuu, here you are...' looking serenely down into his disciple's eyes once again come back to me...

Sanzou screamed aloud as he exploded in white light like a magnesium flare, and only the sheet against his mouth muffled the shriek that was torn from him. After that there was nothing. When he had a body again he was lying under the covers in sex-smelling darkness with the quiet brown presence that was Hakkai stretched close beside him. He was empty as never before- empty of grief or anger or anything. His eyes were like deserts, burned and parched by the explosion. They looked at the darkness, unmoving, unregistering.

He opened dry lips.

"You have no mercy, do you?"

"I'm sorry. I wanted you to know."

"Satisfied?"

"Yes."

"Then go away."

"No." The quiet Hakkai breath behind him. "We won't go away, any of us. You needn't worry that we will."

"I don't."

"You do. You keep kicking at us to make us leave you, before we can decide to do it for ourselves, and it's so pointless. We won't leave you, Gokuu and Gojou and I. You say you don't want us and you don't need us, and it may even be true, but it still makes no difference. We're linked together, as if we were parts of each other's bodies. The only place any of us is going is to the West, and we'll do it together."

Sanzou loosed a breath. "I'm the one who gives the sermons hereabouts."

"Sumimasen. I was just passing on Gojou's message."

"He said all that?" snidely.

"In his fashion. And so did Gokuu, and so do I, now."

"Anh." Sanzou closed tired eyes. I hear you. The lot of you. "If you're staying, shut up and let me sleep."

"Certainly. Good night, Sanzou."

MJJ

May 2001