Not a translation, not a reworking, a bit of both. I call these things hommages. This is an hommage to Tomoru Shinohara's dj Sweet Pain (well, the first half of it at least. I may get around to doing the equally nice second half some day.) The characters are Minekura sensei's; the story is Shinohara sensei's; I just added the English and a few extra details.

Sweet Pain

'Hunh?' Through the falling rain I heard him say-- I thought I heard him say--

'What did you say?'

'I want to make love to you, Gojou.'

Thwump. Never took that phrase 'knocked me flat on my ass' literally before. But I tell you- my legs just gave under me and I sat down like that. Suppose it's a good thing it was the bed behind me and not the floor.

'Why not?' he says in that gentle persuasive way of his. 'Just for once? Tonight-- I'd like to be the one who does it to you.' He catches a strand of my hair in his hand and lets it run through his fingers, while I sit stunned-still like an idiot, trying to get my mouth to say something. He starts undoing my shirt buttons, politely, one two three, and opens it up. 'I love you,' he says. And I'm sitting there staring at him with my eyes goggling and my chin somewhere around my chest and my head absolutely completely 100% karaPPOuuu MT EmTee <blank>.

We always screw on rainy nights. I make love to him-- make him feel good, keep his mind off the past. Like that. If he's coming out with this now then the rain tonight must really have gotten to him.

He reaches to touch my face. 'It's your first time. I'll be gentle.' And I'm thinking, I gotta say something. C'mon, where's the great Gojou mouth when you need it?

But even as I'm thinking it he seems to choke on something. Makes a noise like there's a bone caught in his throat strangling him. He puts a hand over his face. Then I can speak.

'What the hell--! Hakkai-!!"

'I'm sorry,' he whispers into his fingers, not looking at me. 'Now you see what I'm really like. Just- coming and asking you to sleep with me- like that-' He turns away, hugging his hunched shoulders. 'That was low...'

'Look, Hakkai," I tell him. "I can't take your sister's place for you. But-'

He gives a small gasp. 'I know,' he says, fingers tugging at his hair painfully. 'I'm sorry.'

'Unh. That's not what I meant.' Looking at him, at his narrow hunched back, at him thinking I've just turned him down. 'I like you too. Enough for that.'

That makes him turn, shocked and surprised. 'Gojou!'

I hold out a hand to him, palm up. 'C'mon, Hakkai. Come here and fuck me.' He doesn't believe it. 'You like me too, right? Isn't that what you just said?' Give him the grin, right into his eyes, the one nobody can resist. His hand comes out to take mine, still a little unsure, still not believing. His other hand touches my chin, tentatively. And then we're kissing, and then it's OK. It's like it always is, us two in the bed, only I'm on my back this time and he's lying on top of me.

'I'll be gentle,' he says again, in my ear, to reassure me. 'I'll be gentle like you are with me.' He doesn't have to say it. I know he will. Doesn't matter if he isn't, actually- if he wants to do it rough. But I know he'll be gentle. I put my arms around his neck; shift my hips so he can get at me when he wants to. He's kissing me, down my neck, down to my chest, hey it feels good, my fingers in his hair now, ohhh c'mon Hakkai get down to the cock yeah yeah- like that- oh yeah-- My hands let go and start grabbing at the sheets, and his hands come and hold them down, hot hands holding mine, and I'm saying Mmh mmh ohh mmhhh-! as his mouth goes on sucking around me.

"Aaauh- aaauhh-- Hakkai- do it- do it now--" Before the top of my head comes off and I forget where I am--

He rises above me. Narrow torso with the long red scar across it. Narrow shoulders strong and compact. Expression focussed and intent on what he's doing but still amazed somewhere behind his eyes. I lift my hips for him even as he lifts my leg for me, strong hand under my thigh pushing me up and back and it's OK, it's OK, it's Hakkai, my sweet sad bunkie Hakkai, and all I want is for him not to be so sad anymore cause there really is stuff in the world worth living for, stuff like this even. And there he is, pushing at me, pushing inside me, gently like he said he would but oh so determined, in and in. And there's no point even thinking how it feels cause it doesn't feel like anything I've ever known before. It feels like Hakkai. It feels like-- my pal Hakkai, inside me for a change, and Hey come on in old buddy, nice to have you here. I grab his shoulder. He leans forward to kiss me or I lean forward to kiss him, and you know it's hard to kiss when your mouth keeps smiling and there's these black patterns in front of your eyes that happen when he starts to move in and out, cause my brain just isn't used to dealing with that at all. But his green eye is still right in front of me wide open and not believing just how good it feels, feels good doesn't it Hakkai?, feels good my hand gripping Hakkai's strong shoulder my cock rubbing against Hakkai's belly that funny little burning back there the swirling black patterns before my eyes feels good, huh Hakkai...

And even though I was the one making love to him, somehow it felt as though it was he who was holding me, and making love to me, all along.

He's still asleep. I hope I didn't hurt him. I hope he's not angry... when he wakes up... Hakkai looked up at the morning apartment, with the bright sun slanting through the frosted glass of the window and the cheap pink and orange Biway curtains half pulled across it.

An arm on his hand. Hakkai jumped. Next instant Gojou had rolled him onto his back and was giving him an exuberant good-morning kiss.

"Know what I know about you?" Gojou grinned triumphantly into his eyes. "Know what I just found out?"

"What?"

Gojou kissed him again. "You got more guts than I'd ever have believed.

"What are you talking about?" Hakkai said crossly, pushing Gojou away. He got up and pulled on his clothes. "I'm going to make coffee. Better hurry up and get dressed."

Gojou just grinned. "I know what I know," he said smugly.

After a minute, Hakkai said, "Yes. Alright. And I learned something about you too." He gave Gojou a look over his shoulder. "Aren't you going to ask me what it is?"

"Oi, you-" Gojou said, with a nasty premonition. "You know I have to, now. That's why you said it."

Hakkai smiled.

"ALLright," Gojou sighed heavily. "What'd you find out about me?"

"You're sweeter than I'd ever have imagined."

Gojou glowed beet red in stunned silence.

"I'll just go make that coffee," Hakkai mentioned. And heard behind him Gojou's "Aaarghhhh! I knew I couldn't win with you!!!"

'There he goes,' Hakkai said to himself, and laughed suddenly, amazingly, in the bright morning sunlight of the room. Laughed aloud and knew that he meant it.

I want to kiss him more. I want to hold him more. Right now, if only for now, I want to go on living. So I can be with him for even a little longer.

MJJ March 2001