Dilemma
What orders should I have
given them at that moment? What orders *could* I have given, with any chance of
being obeyed? They were no longer my men. They'd turned irrevocably against
Heaven and turned Heaven irrevocably against them. It was madness. They'd
tossed away every advantage they might have gained from their rank and service
in the army, and for what? To save a child who could kill them tomorrow as
easily and as happily as it had killed the Emperor's guards and courtiers. They
weren't fools. They knew that. And still they thought the child worth saving.
What could one say to people like that?
It was my fault things had
come to this pass. I was their commander: I was responsible for them. I knew
them to be dangerous but never thought them to be mad. But then, I knew
Litouten to be dangerous and never thought him mad either. It galled a little,
to know which madman was left in control of the field. Tenpou had courage and
an almost terrifying intelligence; Kenren had courage and, one must allow,
principles; Litouten had... ambition. Mad as they were, dangerous as they were,
Heaven would be the less without them. But there was no question of saying that
either.
They *had* been my men. Their
rebellion and their treatment of me, their commander, had cancelled those ties
between us. They were going now to the violence and uncertainty of Down Below.
I doubted they'd survive long in their chosen place of exile, however bold or
cunning they might be. But still. But still. They had left me my life. They
were leaving me my honour. Tenpou- I should have known it- had been playing a
double game all along; and if half had been to secure his own ends, the other
half had been to protect my position. I would regret not having that ability
and brain in my service any more; but regrets now were useless.
What orders could I have
given them? They were already turned to walk away. Now that all possibilities
were ended, what could I say to them, in light of what had been and what might
have been?
I said the only thing left to
me.
"Make your report."
They turned back on their
heels at once. They straightened. They saluted. They resigned their commissions
to me in due form: impeccable subordinates impeccably following the rules. Yes,
even Kenren. For perhaps the second time in my life I was almost tempted to
like him.
And then they were gone, to
the unimaginable whatever that waited for them; and I was left, still bound,
waiting for what remained of my army to find and release me.
April 06